For some reason I’ve always felt like this. It’s a difficult thing to explain because when you talk to me it sounds like I don’t know what I’m talking about and that I’m probably fine and just imagining things. Somehow I just have this feeling of inadequacy that i can’t seem to shake off. I try to not let it affect me most of the time, although at times I find myself thinking about it and wonder when I will ever be free of this, when I can finally say ‘I’m past this and have done what I needed to do about it.’
I was just thinking of this girl I met last year before I left for basic and how I thought she was really beautiful and attractive. She kept apologizing for how much she sweats a lot on the dance floor and I told her I swear just as much, if not more. I start to fantasize what it’s like to kiss her and make love and I start to feel guilty about my girlfriend, who’s in love with me and really dedicated to making our relationship work. I love her too but I’m not as physically attracted to her as I would like. And I feel like I should be and I feel bad for not feeling that way. I hate being attracted to other girls but I can’t help it. At the same time I have it good with her since she treats me like a king and I get laid whenever I want. I do enjoy having sex with her as often as possible and never had any complaints about it. And I like the fact that she wants to fuck as much as I do. I sometimes feel like no other girl is gonna be like that with me. I was unfortunate enough to date a girl who was so insecure she was afraid to do it with me on a regular basis and she’d stop all of a sudden if she got tired and refuse to continue for no reason. It was fucking annoying.
While she may have suffered trauma in the past, my girlfriend has suffered far worse and she’s as giving with me as anyone can be. Not even close to selfish at all.
I suppose I feel better after writing this. I’m ready to go home from work and get some much needed sleep.
I also suppose I joined the military so I don’t feel so alone yet it hasn’t really solved that issue for me. I think my problem is that I never felt the need to make friends to the point where I want to tag along with someone for an extended amount of time. I have things to do on my own that I need to get done and I don’t have time to hang out and chit chat about stuff. I suppose I have yet to meet someone I can roll with on a regular basis. It is what it is I guess.