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I hate when feelings get involved. This is probably the most exciting yet confusing time of my life. I’m dating someone who I never initially thought of being with at first because I wasn’t really attracted and now I feel like I’m in love with her. Normally I’d know where I stand with whoever I’m dating but this time it’s different. I feel like she really likes me but she’s also been sending me mixed messages. We got together for a week, then she decided to split after and wanted to stay friends, which I was reluctant to do. She kept initiating texts with me and we started hanging out again but only as friends. A couple weeks go by and we started getting close again, like hugging more often and holding hands again but no kissing. Eventually it led to kissing and we’re right back to where we started. She even invited me to her thanksgiving get together which involved all her Russian speaking friends and I was the only one who didn’t. It was a bit awkward for a while but they were friendly later on. I just couldn’t understand why she invited me out of all her guy friends. And then we finally go all the way after, which I never expected because I never tried to do it with her. I enjoyed it yet a part of me couldn’t enjoy it fully because of all the feelings I’ve been having, which is truly unusual because I haven’t had feelings like this towards anyone in a very long time. I thought I was done falling in love and it would never happen again. For me, having good chemistry and regular sex with someone was enough. I don’t want feelings to complicate things and make me question my entire life. But let me get to the point. I pretty much feel like this is all going to be over any time soon. She confessed to me that she ideally wanted to be with someone who made as much money as she did, because she’s able to go on trips almost anytime she wanted and she wanted someone to travel with. And she also believed in traditional gender roles, meaning the man should be making the most money and providing for the family. Now she knows I don’t make nearly as much as she does, and this is one of the reasons she has her uncertainties about me and also why I started to feel like I’m not good enough. So I don’t even know why I bother trying sometimes. I don’t want to hold her back, yet a close friend told me to just give it a shot and see how it goes because you never know. Unfortunately I am plagued with these thoughts all the time now and with the recent news of me only working part time now, these feelings of uncertainty have gotten stronger. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on and I’m truly afraid of feeling hurt again, though I have found ways of coping with the pain, such as working out and using music as my escape. Every time I look into her eyes I fall deeper and deeper. I feel like she has feelings for me as well but hearing those words hurt. I don’t know what to do honestly, but I guess I just needed to get it out of my chest to feel a little better.o

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