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I’ve had a girlfriend for the past month or so now and it’s been quite a wonderful yet terrifying ride at the same time. My feelings are torn over her. I love her yet I don’t feel good enough that maybe letting her go and doing things the way I did before would be better for both of us. That way, she can find someone who can “provide” for her while I go back on my long and slow journey of finding my own career path. I hate feeling like I have to live up to someone else’s expectations. It’s much easier when I can simply be me and do what I want to do, whenever I want. I also feel like I’m putting in so much of my time and energy towards her that I hardly have any time to spend to myself. I try to do all the right things and be the best person for her, despite my shortcomings. I do my best to be patient, be a good listener, help her with anything I can, drive her to places, take her out to eat, give her massages whenever she asks (which is quite often), pay for stuff, open doors, carry heavy things, etc. I do all these things because I care and I do love her. Which is really hard for me to admit, and I haven’t told her the L word yet. I suppose I normally wouldn’t be so afraid of saying such things if I never got all these mixed signals from her. On one hand she’s very sweet, affectionate, and helps me with things to make me better. She cooks every now and then. She makes an effort to make me feel loved, and is not shy to show she’s with me in front of her friends and mine. On the other hand, she tells me she prefers someone who made as much money as she does, the traditional gender role of the male being the provider, and the worst part is she’s still hung up over her ex. About a couple weeks ago she told me she was planning to go see him and go dancing. And that she wasn’t completely over him, that she feels the need to see him so she can try to have some closure. And there was one time that she went to the movies with him a “few weeks” prior, that she did kiss him but didn’t feel anything. When I asked when exactly that few weeks were and if it was when we were together, she couldn’t answer me and got angry, as if I was pushing her away by asking that question. I tried letting it go but it’s been lingering in my mind ever since and I don’t know what to do to get rid of it. Would mentioning it to her again even help? She was supposed to go see him sometime this weekend, Friday to be exact, but she was with me the whole time. But on Saturday at the last minute, she told me she forgot she was going to lunch with her friends at 1:30. Normally I wouldn’t be upset by this, but since it was last minute and she didn’t bother mentioning any names, I didn’t like it. She finally gave me names of her friends and she mentioned that they’re not part of our dance community, but that didn’t exactly make me feel better. Regardless, I dropped her off at the train station and went back to my own place and took care of my business until she was ready to meet again. We met up again about 5 hours later, and I didn’t hear much details about it except she got a necklace from one of them. It didn’t look anything like a person of romantic interest would give her so I didn’t care to look into it further. Anyway, when I get mixed signals like this and having lack of details, it messes with my head. Believe me, I’m not a jealous person at all. I was in my younger days, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned not to be because it’s not healthy. I never pressured her into anything, ever. Especially when it comes to sex. I never touched her private areas until I was 100% absolutely sure it was ok. She even told me she liked that about me, and she had my respect after that. But back to the point. I’m only torn up because of these things she told me and I haven’t been able to fully relax in our relationship. I feel like I have my guard up the whole time, which is emotionally taxing. I just feel like giving up at times. At the same time I know she really likes me and told me she wants to make it work. Question is, can we? She also told me she’s afraid to tell me how she really feels, and that she’s a very emotional person. I feel like I know how she really feels but is afraid to get hurt again, which I understand completely. I do want to hear that reassurance so my conscience is clear and I don’t have to worry so much anymore. But until then, I’m going to feel distracted and torn different ways. This is why I do my best to detach from her as soon as we’re not together. It’s hard to be 100% with someone when you feel like they’re not 100% with you.

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