I feel like I’m back in the same spot as I was 6 months ago…this feeling of uncertainty hovering over me. I thought we made a lot of progress since then and yet I still feel so….uneasy. Why should I be scared if she decides to leave me? If anything, it would be a benefit. I don’t have to spend any money on her and I can save. I can spend more time to focus on myself and my goals. I don’t have to deal with all the BS of getting annoyed at stupid things and trying to meet crazy expectations that I never had to try to meet before. I’ve been accepted completely as I am before, and it was honestly a liberating feeling, even though I felt like I didn’t deserve it. That was my standard from then on, and yet here I am, with someone who doesn’t seem to accept me as I am and expects me to “step up” and be more. Maybe this is to force me to become that financially independent person as I need to be, yet it feels unnatural to try and “force” it. Anyway, I’m here overseas busting my ass at work for 12 hours every day in extreme humidity and blistering desert heat, and it’s annoying to me to have to worry about someone back at home when I should just be focusing on what I need to do here. All I asked was for her to text me when she got home…and I got nothing. My message was read but not acknowledged and haven’t heard anything since. I wonder what excuses I’ll hear now…I fucking hate this feeling. I just want to be over with it. Like if she’s really not happy with me or if I’m not up to her “standards” then let’s end it. Why can’t I end it myself? I shouldn’t have to be afraid. I guess I wanted to prove to her that I am committed and won’t just leave at any sign of disturbance of peace. That, and it’s her fucking birthday and god forbid I do anything to ruin it. I don’t want to be that guy so I’m trying my best to keep it cool. Is it that fucking hard to acknowledge one message and to send me a quick one when she got home? And I could see that she’s been active on FB throughout the night and she has seen my message so there’s really no way she was too busy to say anything back. This type of unpredictability pisses me off. If you’re in a relationship with someone, they should be the FIRST person you want to consider hearing back from and getting back to. I don’t know how long I can put up with this…pretty soon I’ll just say fuck it and leave…cause as much as I love this person, I don’t need to be dealing with these types of headaches on a consistent basis. It’s not healthy. And I know I’ve been treated better than this, and that’s what I deserve.

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