Today’s my birthday…and where I normally should feel good about things generally, I don’t. I’m not feeling well physically, first of all, and while I look forward to going on this trip the day after, I’m not really looking forward to my birthday for some reason. I guess my gf has something to do with it. I feel like I hate her. We were out on a trip this weekend and it wasn’t quite what I expected. I expected us to do things as a couple, as a team, as one unit, but I found ourselves doing things separately, not together, and it didn’t sit well with me in the end. It’s totally ok if she wants to take different workshops, but she should’ve tried to at least make me join her if that were the case, because I was trying to get her to join me in the workshops I wanted to take. It’s about doing things together. That was important to me. And she has this thing about wanting her personal space. It’s like she’s waiting for me to go off somewhere so she can disappear and do her own thing for a while. I felt really annoyed. I just felt like I had to try and control the situation in order to get us to do things together, and it felt like something I shouldn’t have to do. I couldn’t even get her to take pictures with me, which is something that couples who go there normally do, and she eventually gave in to it after she saw how disappointed I was on the last night. And at that point, I was no longer motivated and felt like I was at an all-time low. I feel like she doesn’t give a fuck about me and she only cares about herself. The only thoughts that come to mind is that I hate her and she brings out the worst in me. She makes me into a person I don’t want to be. When we got back together, she brought back some happiness and joy, but it went away and disappeared shortly after. It was still near impossible to trust her. Somehow I still think she’s secretly talking to that guy she claims she’s blocked since the time I asked her to, to prove I’m as important to her as she says I am. Why do I feel like I hate her so much? Another thing, we barely spent some intimate time during this trip, even though she’s stressed how important it was for her for us to have that. I felt like I had to entertain her to keep her from being bored, otherwise she’ll disappear off somewhere and I’m left wondering where the fuck she went and being pissed off about it. I just want to know the truth. Does she really love me, or is she just so used to being comfortable with me? Am I just her anti anxiety medication? Do I even mean anything to her? I just feel hate and anger thinking these thoughts. 2 weeks ago I wasn’t exactly feeling the happiest but I was starting to get used to the idea of being single and doing whatever I could to move on. I was productive with my time and focused on my goals. Then she had to find a way to reach out to me after blocking her on several messaging apps. And still, I keep thinking those same 3 words…”I hate her”…she doesn’t bring good feelings in my body. Even with my friends around, it just feels like she doesn’t fit in there. She’s friends with several people I don’t like, and most of those guys are creeps. I hate her. What else do I not like about her? She’s insecure about her appearance, and she hates taking pictures. She NEVER wants to post pictures of us on facebook because she says she wants to keep personal things private. She hates taking pictures but will put on a good smile when taking pics with friends. When we finally took our pictures, the one I agreed to reluctantly, it didn’t look natural. It was obvious I wasn’t happy in them, as much as I tried to force smiling. I feel like she takes me for granted. I hate the fact that she has mostly guy friends and it wasn’t so bad before until she started talking to this one guy and I discovered how inappropriate it was, to the point that I had to get her to block him. And now I wonder if there are any other guys like that she talks to. And do I want to be with someone who’s like that? Definitely not. I hate the fact that when she talks about travel plans, she won’t bother to include me in them and only talks about what she wants to do and makes excuses as to why I probably wouldn’t be able to go with her. We’re supposed to fucking do things together, especially when it comes to vacations and traveling. I hate her. I want someone who wants to make me happy, and someone I can trust. I want someone who wants to do things TOGETHER.
I feel like I’m back in the same spot as I was 6 months ago…this feeling of uncertainty hovering over me. I thought we made a lot of progress since then and yet I still feel so….uneasy. Why should I be scared if she decides to leave me? If anything, it would be a benefit. I don’t have to spend any money on her and I can save. I can spend more time to focus on myself and my goals. I don’t have to deal with all the BS of getting annoyed at stupid things and trying to meet crazy expectations that I never had to try to meet before. I’ve been accepted completely as I am before, and it was honestly a liberating feeling, even though I felt like I didn’t deserve it. That was my standard from then on, and yet here I am, with someone who doesn’t seem to accept me as I am and expects me to “step up” and be more. Maybe this is to force me to become that financially independent person as I need to be, yet it feels unnatural to try and “force” it. Anyway, I’m here overseas busting my ass at work for 12 hours every day in extreme humidity and blistering desert heat, and it’s annoying to me to have to worry about someone back at home when I should just be focusing on what I need to do here. All I asked was for her to text me when she got home…and I got nothing. My message was read but not acknowledged and haven’t heard anything since. I wonder what excuses I’ll hear now…I fucking hate this feeling. I just want to be over with it. Like if she’s really not happy with me or if I’m not up to her “standards” then let’s end it. Why can’t I end it myself? I shouldn’t have to be afraid. I guess I wanted to prove to her that I am committed and won’t just leave at any sign of disturbance of peace. That, and it’s her fucking birthday and god forbid I do anything to ruin it. I don’t want to be that guy so I’m trying my best to keep it cool. Is it that fucking hard to acknowledge one message and to send me a quick one when she got home? And I could see that she’s been active on FB throughout the night and she has seen my message so there’s really no way she was too busy to say anything back. This type of unpredictability pisses me off. If you’re in a relationship with someone, they should be the FIRST person you want to consider hearing back from and getting back to. I don’t know how long I can put up with this…pretty soon I’ll just say fuck it and leave…cause as much as I love this person, I don’t need to be dealing with these types of headaches on a consistent basis. It’s not healthy. And I know I’ve been treated better than this, and that’s what I deserve.
I’ve had a girlfriend for the past month or so now and it’s been quite a wonderful yet terrifying ride at the same time. My feelings are torn over her. I love her yet I don’t feel good enough that maybe letting her go and doing things the way I did before would be better for both of us. That way, she can find someone who can “provide” for her while I go back on my long and slow journey of finding my own career path. I hate feeling like I have to live up to someone else’s expectations. It’s much easier when I can simply be me and do what I want to do, whenever I want. I also feel like I’m putting in so much of my time and energy towards her that I hardly have any time to spend to myself. I try to do all the right things and be the best person for her, despite my shortcomings. I do my best to be patient, be a good listener, help her with anything I can, drive her to places, take her out to eat, give her massages whenever she asks (which is quite often), pay for stuff, open doors, carry heavy things, etc. I do all these things because I care and I do love her. Which is really hard for me to admit, and I haven’t told her the L word yet. I suppose I normally wouldn’t be so afraid of saying such things if I never got all these mixed signals from her. On one hand she’s very sweet, affectionate, and helps me with things to make me better. She cooks every now and then. She makes an effort to make me feel loved, and is not shy to show she’s with me in front of her friends and mine. On the other hand, she tells me she prefers someone who made as much money as she does, the traditional gender role of the male being the provider, and the worst part is she’s still hung up over her ex. About a couple weeks ago she told me she was planning to go see him and go dancing. And that she wasn’t completely over him, that she feels the need to see him so she can try to have some closure. And there was one time that she went to the movies with him a “few weeks” prior, that she did kiss him but didn’t feel anything. When I asked when exactly that few weeks were and if it was when we were together, she couldn’t answer me and got angry, as if I was pushing her away by asking that question. I tried letting it go but it’s been lingering in my mind ever since and I don’t know what to do to get rid of it. Would mentioning it to her again even help? She was supposed to go see him sometime this weekend, Friday to be exact, but she was with me the whole time. But on Saturday at the last minute, she told me she forgot she was going to lunch with her friends at 1:30. Normally I wouldn’t be upset by this, but since it was last minute and she didn’t bother mentioning any names, I didn’t like it. She finally gave me names of her friends and she mentioned that they’re not part of our dance community, but that didn’t exactly make me feel better. Regardless, I dropped her off at the train station and went back to my own place and took care of my business until she was ready to meet again. We met up again about 5 hours later, and I didn’t hear much details about it except she got a necklace from one of them. It didn’t look anything like a person of romantic interest would give her so I didn’t care to look into it further. Anyway, when I get mixed signals like this and having lack of details, it messes with my head. Believe me, I’m not a jealous person at all. I was in my younger days, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned not to be because it’s not healthy. I never pressured her into anything, ever. Especially when it comes to sex. I never touched her private areas until I was 100% absolutely sure it was ok. She even told me she liked that about me, and she had my respect after that. But back to the point. I’m only torn up because of these things she told me and I haven’t been able to fully relax in our relationship. I feel like I have my guard up the whole time, which is emotionally taxing. I just feel like giving up at times. At the same time I know she really likes me and told me she wants to make it work. Question is, can we? She also told me she’s afraid to tell me how she really feels, and that she’s a very emotional person. I feel like I know how she really feels but is afraid to get hurt again, which I understand completely. I do want to hear that reassurance so my conscience is clear and I don’t have to worry so much anymore. But until then, I’m going to feel distracted and torn different ways. This is why I do my best to detach from her as soon as we’re not together. It’s hard to be 100% with someone when you feel like they’re not 100% with you.
It’s been a roller coaster ride since I last wrote here. When I broke up with my ex in February, it was a good thing. She moved on with her life and found someone else more deserving than I am, and I moved on to be the best person I can be. I haven’t made a real effort to find anyone new since that hasn’t been my main focus. All I wanted to do was dance and be better than I was yesterday. But sometimes things happen when you least expect it. I met someone new who was assigned to me as my dance partner. She was very reserved at first but we worked on building our connection and chemistry, and it didn’t take long before we actually looked good and stood out among our group. We also started spending more time with each other and ended up being more than just dance partners. I wasn’t initially interested in anything more than dancing but it happened. I thought she really liked me so I started having feelings for her, which turned out to be a bad idea. A week later, and the next day after I just spent the night at her place, I get a text saying we should just be friends. My heart sank and I felt a drop in my stomach. I was at work and I found it difficult to maintain my composure. I even wanted to go home early after lunch. But I persevered and decided to deal with it and act like nothing happened. I lost my appetite though so I didn’t get to eat and I was cold the rest of the time at work. Despite all the hurt I felt, she still wanted me to come over to talk and practice the routine a few times. I agreed reluctantly. After work I decided to go for a run and lift weights, which helped ease the pain a bit. I go there to see her and we spoke about it. She claims she’s still trying to get over her ex and she still wants to be friends because she claims that I help her stop taking her anti anxiety medications. I don’t know if I can believe it. I feel like it’s just another excuse and next thing you know she’s dating someone else. Not that I should care but I’d rather not associate with someone like that. It’s also my fault for letting my guard down. I was so content in staying single and just dancing. I didn’t think it made sense to be with anyone since I’m leaving the country in March for 6 months. I felt like such a fool, like how could I possibly fall for this nonsense? Anyway, I’m still stuck with her and I don’t want to change partners and spread drama and gossip among our team. I will just do my best to go through it. Luckily I have my original partner still, who I hope is still cool with me. This other girl was the secondary and I guess I’m glad this shit didn’t happen much later before our audition video. I won’t see her again until next Tuesday probably, as I will be away in Boston next weekend and on Monday I’m practicing with my main partner. I do need the time to myself and do my best to move on. Things will just never be the same between us. I still can’t believe I let myself feel deeply for someone like this. I need to be more careful next time. I won’t let anyone affect me like this. I’m responsible for my happiness and no one else. I have myself and that’s all I need.
It’s been since April when I last posted and so much has happened, it’s ridiculous. It finally feels like all the hard work has been paying off and I’m feeling an all-time high. There’s still work to be done and I’m not ready to stop yet. But so far, let’s recap:
- My first performance of the year was on June 10th, then performed again 2 days later for the 2nd debut.
- Kizomba debut was on the 17th, then performed the sensual bachata debut on the 18th.
- Went to the DC Zouk Festival from Friday the 24th till the next Monday morning. Performed 2 bachata routines that Saturday and Kizomba on Sunday.
- Last Saturday, July 2nd, performed the sensual bachata rountine. July 3rd, my NY bachata group performed our debut. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time and my partner is really hot too. To think I was so close to quitting this group and for us to come together at the last minute when it mattered most will always stay with me. I’m extremely grateful for this experience.
- This past Friday, July 8th, I filled in for someone from the NY team to perform in the city. The place was packed and the crowd noise was deafening when we first entered the stage. I loved every second of it!
Some things I learned:
- Never drink alcohol or take any caffeine before a performance. It’s always better to stay sober as it helps me stay calm and not be so nervous. Drinking alcohol brings my mood down while drinking caffeine makes me jittery and more nervous. My intention has always been to stay hyped before a show but I found it best not to take anything and I felt more comfortable and “in the zone” while completely sober.
- Practice is extremely important. If I didn’t practice as much as I had during all these months, then I wouldn’t have the confidence I’d have on the dance floor/stage.
- Study the videos. I always hated looking at myself, but I just need to swallow my pride and suck it up. I have to do it to see where I look awkward and find ways to improve so that I look better out there.
It’s been an AMAZING experience so far and I’m so grateful for everything, to be able to meet all the people I know now, to learn something new almost every day, to get better at dancing overall, to perform with my teammates, and countless other benefits I’ve gained through these experiences. The entire month of July is booked with at least one performance every weekend. I’m filled with excitement and anticipation with each routine I get to perform.
But next weekend is going to be crazy. Busy AND crazy. For starters, I have a show with the sensual bachata group on Friday night. Then I have to wake up early the next day for reserve duty, work till 4:30 (while taking my fitness test that I NEED to pass), come home, and hopefully get some rest before our social later that night where I’m performing for 3 of the groups I’m in. 2 bachata routines and the Kizomba. It’s going to be insane having to constantly switch costumes between each performance. I don’t know how it’s going to work out but I’ll be training hard this week to make sure I can make it through.
I’d like to write down some things that are important to me and what I’d like to achieve this year.
1. Be happy
2. Dance a lot, train, perform, and be one of the best on each team I’m in. Be really good at social dancing, meet a lot of new people, make connections.
3. Go out on dates. Have fun meeting new people, traveling and sharing new experiences.
4. My ideal woman. Pretty (who doesn’t want that?), fun to be around, have an amazing connection with on the dance floor, intensely attracted to me as I am to her, doesn’t get jealous, secure of herself, looks good without makeup, and easygoing. That seems enough. If I list any more I’ll just be way more picky than I already am.
5. Get promoted to Staff Sergeant.
6. Get deployed.
7. Be a better person than I was yesterday and each day that passes.
It’s been a while since I wrote here, and I have to say I’ve been through quite a bit the past couple of weeks or so. But I’ll only focus on the more significant parts. Last night I went to the Baltimore Salsa Bachata Congress and while I only took one workshop and danced for hours, I had a great time. Finally I was able to enjoy a night where I can dance bachata for a long time without having to rotate to salsa or other music. I got to experience some really good dances also, and met/danced with some attractive girls. It was a lot of fun. There was one girl in particular I ended up really liking and she was feeling me from the start. She was one of those girls I danced with where no matter how many times we messed up, it was all good and it never felt awkward. And it was just one of those dances where you didn’t want the song to end, and stay wrapped in each other’s arms forever. It felt like being in love, honestly. I’m still feeling the high from last night that I can’t even properly describe the feeling that I had. And it wasn’t just her that I enjoyed my dances with, although I’d say the dances with her were the most pleasurable.
I’ll admit that I don’t know a lot of crazy turn patterns like some guys. To me, that doesn’t always equate to a good dance experience, cause when you’re just doing turn patterns you might as well dance salsa, since that’s what it looks like. On another end, you can be dancing close the entire time and make it look awkward cause it looks like the guy is just thirsty. To me, I try to keep it balanced between doing footwork, turn patterns, and the sensual stuff. Although I added more sensuality than usual by using a lot of eye contact and slowing the dance down and taking my time to do the moves in a way that my partner doesn’t feel like she’s being jerked around. I did dance with some girls who barely returned eye contact and I thought that was kinda annoying to deal with. Even some girls I saw who I thought were good, weren’t fun to dance with once I realized they barely made eye contact. I just like making that connection by eye contact and I feel it really helps make the song better and more enjoyable to dance to. I also found that the girls typically like the sensual stuff when it’s slow and deliberate. So maintain eye contact, a few turn patterns, keeping distance at first, get close eventually, then pull away, and come back in. Even while close I still pull back a little bit just to keep that eye contact and that’s always fun, looking at each other intimately like we’re about to kiss but we’re not.
I’m gonna have to go more of these types of events, where the venue is playing mainly bachata. I almost feel like I should start DJ’ing, cause I know exactly what’s good to play, and most DJ’s don’t have the variety of tracks that I do. I’m too tired to write anymore, I’m done.
I have so much going on from tonight till this weekend, it’s ridiculous. I have to pack some clothes for the next 2-3 days including my uniform since I won’t be spending the night in my apartment for the next couple of days. Tonight after work I’m heading over to Philly to meet up with J and go to this spot for bachata. Then we leave around 1 and I’ll be staying the night at her place so I can get at least a couple hours of sleep before I get ready to go to work in the morning at 4. Then after work, I’m driving straight up to Yonkers to practice the routine with G and go out dancing afterwards. I’ll be staying the night over there as well, and thankfully I’ll get more hours of sleep. Afterwards I head back down to my apartment to recollect a bit then get ready to come back down to Philly again to practice some stuff with J. Then I go back up to NJ again and I may just call it early or head to NYC. We’ll see how my energy level will be, because I’m sure I’ll be exhausted by then after all that running around.
Last night I got to take some kizomba and semba lessons and it was fun. I got to learn a new move that I’ll consistently use since i’ve seen it a lot and it’s easy. That was my first time taking semba and while the music is different, the steps have a similarity to kizomba, and I found that I could easily improvise dancing to it. It’s pretty much a fusion of kizomba and merengue except you dance more of kizomba to it. I may have to attend one of those kizomba/semba congresses at some point just to see what it’s like. I don’t have much time to write since I have to get ready for work so I’ll update this later.
I believe I fell asleep around 2:30 then woke up around 6 AM and I could not fall back asleep since. I’m wide awake yet tired at the same time.
I’ve officially backed out of the salsa team. Pretty sure my director is disappointed but it is what it is. I’m in 2 of his 3 teams so he can’t really be that mad. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders for sure. Now I can fully focus on what I love the most. Dancing bachata. With a sprinkle of kizomba, and some zouk every now and then. And having fun doing it. Also meeting new people and building relationships with people.
It’s a new week. I learned some new stuff yesterday and revisited some footwork that also needs polishing. My Tuesdays are finally freed up so I can do other things besides take lessons or go to a rehearsal. Maybe I’ll go to a Bachatuesday in New York at some point. Who knows. I’m just glad I don’t have to stress over a salsa routine anymore.
I feel like this weekend is gonna be hectic. I’m supposed to practice with a friend on Friday after I get out of work, then we’re going to my favorite spot in NYC after. She’s even letting me stay the night, which is nice. Now I know what you’re thinking. She has another room with a separate bed, and that’s where I’ll be sleeping. Then I have to leave early the next day so I can meet up with J to practice with her at her place in Philly in the afternoon. It’s gonna be a lot of running around. Should be fun though.
My thoughts are all over the place this morning. Ugh. Yesterday’s rehearsal was interesting. I’m talking about the 3rd and last one. Although I don’t have it down perfect, I was pretty much the only guy who came in knowing all the steps we were taught, since I’ve been practicing by myself and with G the previous Friday. Some of the girls didn’t know the new partnerwork from last week also, so I had to lead them to it, which was cool to do. I got to prove to myself that I can lead, even if it’s not perfect and as long as I got them to the end of their part, that’s what matters. I saw some impressed faces too, so I know I did some good work.
Other things that’s been on my mind. My current life situation. I know it’s busy right now although I’m not exactly making a lot of money. I have my annual tour starting on Friday. I’m praying to get on Day shift so I can have a life outside of work for the next couple of weeks. That would be a real blessing. My supervisor will have to cope. I’ll make decent money off that. But the real question is making money on a consistent basis. I may be accepted on a full time job for at least 11 months, possibly more if they really want me in their company permanently, which would be nice. But I’m not counting on it. I’m supposed to start school in April, but it’s looking like I may just postpone it so I can keep enjoying my time off. I think I can survive with a part-time job and collecting unemployment in the meantime, while being wise with purchases.
I’m still on the same stance with my dating situation. I’m not concerned with other people’s expectations of me. I’m just here to have fun and enjoy life, cause it’s short. These years will pass by very quickly and then that’s when we realize how much we missed out and how much stuff we should’ve done. It’s my duty to do whatever it takes to be happy right now.
I went to NYC tonight once again for some social dancing. The first place I went to was at this rooftop lounge on the corner of 8th and 48th. I initially thought it was the rooftop bar called 230 5th, but thank god it wasn’t, cause I have bad memories from that place. There were so many times I wanted to turn back and just go to 34th but no, I decided to persist. I finally got there and surprisingly the people who worked there were extremely nice to me. The awesome part was I never even paid a dime to get in and I was right on time even though I thought I was late (got there around 9:15, and lessons were supposed to start 15 minutes before). So it was supposed to be a sensual bachata social, meaning you’ll see a ton of people dancing super close. The lessons started off with this asian dude trying to teach us body rolls and different patterns using it. We learned 3 different ways to use it and then had partnerwork afterwards. The partnerwork didn’t really appeal to me because the way he was teaching it, there was no way you can lead one part of it socially.
This one girl I was dancing with thought I was being funny at one point. I kept telling her how weird the whole thing was, and whenever I was doing one part of the pattern, she kept thinking I was trying to make her laugh. She probably took my sarcasm literally. Haha. I did think the lesson was weird though. It would’ve been nice if we were taught something we could lead socially instead of something that just looks good for the sake of looking good. Anyway I think that guy is sorta well known in the dance community but he didn’t impress me that time. Oh well.
The social was actually pretty decent except the dance floor was way too small. People were bumping into each other everywhere and I wouldn’t dare try to dip anyone unless I was clear within a 3 meter radius, which I never was. Also, there was hardly any ventilation inside that room so it was really hot inside. And when it’s hot like that, I sweat much more than usual, and I already sweat a lot as-is, without it being hot to begin with. I found myself wiping my face with a towel after every song.
Then around 11:15 it was time to leave to go to 34th and see my other team and team’s director perform. I got there around 11:45 and got a couple bachata songs to dance in before the performances started. The first one was a couple, and I could tell the guy knew what he was doing and the female he was dancing with was really stiff and he was struggling to lead her the way he wanted to. In the end it looked like he was relieved to be finished performing with that chick, who was probably a nightmare to perform with, with the way she looked out there.
I believe our team was up next. Only 2 couples were able to make it to this one. Anyway the song starts and it was the wrong one. The host makes a joke about it and plays the next one. Wrong song again. Haha…finally after a few seconds of awkward waiting they finally got it. Everything was looking good until…one dude slides and bam, he falls and messes up. Crowd goes WHOAAA…then claps and cheers when he gets back up and resumes the routine. They finish the rest of it with no issues but you could see the disappointment in their faces. I’m pretty sure I’ll get to hear more of it on Monday. I wonder what was going through his mind when that happened. I honestly thought it was funny, not in the way it was making fun, but just in a comical way. Shit happens, and you just have to roll with it.
Our team director and his partner went up next. They did extremely well, and although there was one minor error, our director is really good at covering up his mistakes and making the rest look good. He’s a real pro, and that’s the reason I joined his team. I can’t wait to finish learning our song and having the chance to perform it.
After all the performances were done I went back to the bachata room to get a few songs in before I had to leave. Safe to say I left on a good note. I could’ve stayed a bit longer had I known that my train ride home was going to be delayed by a good half hour. And so here I am writing this and I’m pretty drowsy already. I’m still waiting for my blanket to be done from the dryer and I have a bunch of clothes I need to fold and put away in the dresser. Shit.
Before I go I need to add this…so after dancing tonight I realized some things I need to work on. I need to be a lot smoother. I’m better than what I was a month or so ago but I still have some rough edges here and there. Fuck I’m so sleepy I can’t think anymore.