I hate when feelings get involved. This is probably the most exciting yet confusing time of my life. I’m dating someone who I never initially thought of being with at first because I wasn’t really attracted and now I feel like I’m in love with her. Normally I’d know where I stand with whoever I’m dating but this time it’s different. I feel like she really likes me but she’s also been sending me mixed messages. We got together for a week, then she decided to split after and wanted to stay friends, which I was reluctant to do. She kept initiating texts with me and we started hanging out again but only as friends. A couple weeks go by and we started getting close again, like hugging more often and holding hands again but no kissing. Eventually it led to kissing and we’re right back to where we started. She even invited me to her thanksgiving get together which involved all her Russian speaking friends and I was the only one who didn’t. It was a bit awkward for a while but they were friendly later on. I just couldn’t understand why she invited me out of all her guy friends. And then we finally go all the way after, which I never expected because I never tried to do it with her. I enjoyed it yet a part of me couldn’t enjoy it fully because of all the feelings I’ve been having, which is truly unusual because I haven’t had feelings like this towards anyone in a very long time. I thought I was done falling in love and it would never happen again. For me, having good chemistry and regular sex with someone was enough. I don’t want feelings to complicate things and make me question my entire life. But let me get to the point. I pretty much feel like this is all going to be over any time soon. She confessed to me that she ideally wanted to be with someone who made as much money as she did, because she’s able to go on trips almost anytime she wanted and she wanted someone to travel with. And she also believed in traditional gender roles, meaning the man should be making the most money and providing for the family. Now she knows I don’t make nearly as much as she does, and this is one of the reasons she has her uncertainties about me and also why I started to feel like I’m not good enough. So I don’t even know why I bother trying sometimes. I don’t want to hold her back, yet a close friend told me to just give it a shot and see how it goes because you never know. Unfortunately I am plagued with these thoughts all the time now and with the recent news of me only working part time now, these feelings of uncertainty have gotten stronger. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on and I’m truly afraid of feeling hurt again, though I have found ways of coping with the pain, such as working out and using music as my escape. Every time I look into her eyes I fall deeper and deeper. I feel like she has feelings for me as well but hearing those words hurt. I don’t know what to do honestly, but I guess I just needed to get it out of my chest to feel a little better.o
Dancing in New York is so different from dancing in Philadelphia. I went to this one social on 34th street and man, was it crowded. You could barely walk around the place and it was decently big. At the same time if you’re a male you’re at a slight disadvantage due to the fact there are more men than women and you have to be aggressive when it comes to finding women to dance with. If there’s a hot girl you really have to go after her, like go up to her as soon as she’s done with the song. I had a few good dances and most I enjoyed, but not as much as I would if I were in Philly. Women are more friendly there and they’ll stay and chat with you to get to know you a bit. It’s a big city but people are still welcoming.
New York is also a big city but it’s tough to try and build relationships there. Guys are so thirsty at these places it’s disgusting. I have to be the opposite and act like I’m not interested in anything more than just a dance. It’s whatever though. It gives me more of an appreciation for the good times I have when I dance in Philly.
Overall I do believe I’ve at least improved a little bit. I have my own style that I think is different than what most guys try to do. Most guys use memorized turn patterns and always try to get the girl to dance closer as soon as possible. I, on the other hand, play with the music and mess around with footwork and moving around the floor and slowly make my way towards are more intimate dance. Then I pull away when she least expects it and pull her back in again. I still mess up a lot but it’s all good. I just try to have fun with it cause dancing is supposed to be a fun activity, not something that you do to meet women and try to get laid, although it’s nice to get lucky once in a while.
Tomorrow is another rehearsal. I haven’t practiced the material since last week so I hope to have some time for it early tomorrow or maybe even tonight.
I’m gonna try an experiment tonight. Basically I want to know whether I really improved as a dancer or that maybe it’s just a Philly thing to get asked to dance by girls, so I’m going to New York tonight and see what happens. I’ll catch the last half hour of their bachata room then head over to the zoukchata room for lessons and then dancing after. I’ve never taken such lessons before so I’m excited to see what I’ll learn. And hopefully I can prove that it’s definitely my skill which is the reason for me being able to find dances easier.
I checked my Instagram and found that A ‘liked’ a bunch of my posts. I don’t know what that means but I did send her a quick pm letting her know I had fun dancing. I don’t think I’ll be pursuing her but it would still be cool to see her again and dance more bachata.
Alright time to put this experiment to the test.